


Dose of reality

by MelindaCoulson4



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Drinking & Talking, F/M, Feelings were shared and discussed, Flashbacks, Tahiti (Agents of SHIELD), dealing with unspoken awkwardness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:02:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25715497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelindaCoulson4/pseuds/MelindaCoulson4
Summary: Post 7x09.  Coulson bot needs a pep talk after the events of the time loop and who better to deliver one than May
Relationships: Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 5
Kudos: 43





	Dose of reality

**Author's Note:**

> so philinda is lacking. they definitely need to have a conversation

He may not be projecting emotions like a human but Melinda knew something was off. 

Daisy had all but thrown herself at each of them. They'd all been killed. Coulson and Daisy had watched it happen over and over again. Enoch broke the cycle. It was a lot to absorb at one time. She couldn't imagine having to experience it first-hand.  So she watched Daisy and Coulson carefully. Throughout the explanation, Daisy talked while Coulson sulked. His features were pinched.  Clearly, he was bothered by the whole thing but the way he was hugging the wall sent out warning bells for everyone to back off. 

Going quiet had been an indication of Phil's stress for as long as she'd known him. She supposed the LMD was no exception. Isolating himself wouldn't solve anything. The only way to deal with this would be to confront him head on. When she spied him heading away from everyone, she made her move. If she went around the  lab she could cut him off. It was the best opening yet. She went quickly and made it to the next set of doors just before he did. 

Upon seeing her, he halted. By the deep frown on his face she knew he was displeased. Every interaction before this point had been the complete opposite. Any other time he'd been desperate for even a shared glance between them. Now was more like a great disappointment at the sight of her. It was all the confirmation she needed. 

When it became clear that he wasn't going to be making any attempts at conversation, she began her own. "Wanna tell me what's going on with you?"

His jaw pulsed. "Not particularly," he answered stubbornly. 

"I can't help if I don't know," she said, fastening him with a withering stare. She could wait all night if she had to. 

"You died. Seven times I watched your bones crack under Enoch's hands and I was powerless to stop it. And now he's gone for good so. I don't know, May. I don't know what to say, what to feel, what to do ....None of it was real." He shrugged, feigning disinterest. "Like everything else around here so..." Abruptly he cut himself off like he meant to flee. 

She remembered their time inside the lighthouse. When he'd come clean about how he'd been feeling. "I would turn to you," he'd said. 

It was jarring to witness one of their own die. She couldn't give him all that he wanted, but she could be here for him. "But it was real to you."

"You should be with the rest of them." He gestured behind him, dismissing her openness. 

"And you shouldn't?" She asked curiously, wondering what he was trying to say. 

"How could I? They're celebrating being alive." A dull haze had settled over his eyes. 

"You helped make that happen," she reminded him. 

"What could I do? Drink a beer that I don't need? Thirst...breathing...feelings...It's all programmed into me." He shrugged. 

That was true and had been ever since the moment he'd been turned on. So why was this an issue all of the sudden? "Where is this really coming from?"

His jaw set in a stubborn line as he hesitated to give her an answer. "The same thing that happened in that time storm will happen when all of this mess is over. Time will pass as it normally should. Years will go by and each of you will grow old, but I'll stay the same. You'll die and I'll still be here. What then?"

It was an answer that she didn't have. And frankly she couldn't say with confidence that any of them would make it back to their correct time. "Let's just make it through the next hour before thinking about the future." 

"There's always another crisis. Another mission. I'm not supposed to be here. This isn't real. I don't want to be like this anymore." He spoke rapidly. 

The words sounded too familiar. Like he was giving up just as Phil had in the beginning of the end. Feeling her own anger rise up, she shook her head. "You don't quit. Not now." 

"Why not? As I recall you've been pretty hellbent on me not being around." He said, tone cold as ice. 

She blinked, feeling like he'd delivered a punch to her gut. This was a rare habit of his. Lashing out when he didn't know how to handle a situation. Like he had when he thought she was hydra and again when she criticized him for acting suicidal. He would bottle up his feelings for so long until they all came out explosively. Always like a hard rain full of knives. She'd learned long ago not to take it personal. Now was not the time for a fight, so she brushed off his insinuation. "We need your help," she challenged.

"No, you don't." He shook his head. It was clear that he'd already made his choice.

"We do. Who better to help us with Shield's history against the  chronicoms ?" Was he just going to leave them hanging when that was his entire purpose in the first place? 

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know ....the zephyr," he said flippantly. 

"This isn't the time for jokes."

"It's the truth. I'm nothing more than a glorified computer. I existed inside a TV for over a year," he tossed back. 

"This is a team," she said slowly. "We-" 

"You're right. But I'm not a part of it."

All he was doing was feeling sorry for himself. She wasn't going to entertain this. "We rely on you. All of us," she emphasized. If he disappeared again on Daisy. All of this had already been hard enough on her. They just experienced something together that no one else could ever truly understand. "What about Daisy?"

"You're not listening to me. Phil Coulson is a part of this team. But that's not me," he stated firmly. 

Melinda was taken aback by the harsh nature of his tone. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean...it's time to stop pretending that this is normal." Hesitating, he took a deep breath. "You know I used to catch myself wondering what happened between you two in Tahiti. For me that time is nothing but a blank." 

She looked at him sharply. _Tahiti_. And _Phil_. She heard her own voice sleep-laced and content ask, "What are you doing?" "I like watching you sleep," Phil had said back. They had both chuckled and went back to drinking their wine and simply being together. The reminder brought a heavy ache to her chest. 

"But then I finally realized that's yours and his. I have no part in that," he told her.

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. She found that she couldn't argue. The memories of Tahiti were hers alone. She didn't think she would ever be comfortable sharing with him.

"I'm not him," he said, clearly resigned to that fact. "My last memory. Real memory where I had emotions not fed by ones and zeros by Simmons was when Aida had you. I can still feel the desperation he had to find you. And  so I'm sure you feel the same way about him."

Her jaw pulsed. "There's nowhere for me to find him. _He's dead_ ," she snapped. She'd accepted that. Phil was gone and she wouldn't try to replace him with anything. Not with Sarge and not with an LMD. 

"And I'm here, but I'll always be second to him in your eyes. You want me around, but need to keep me at arm's length and that's worse than any death sentence." His voice cracked. "I will never blame you for that. How could I?" He looked down, blinking away watery eyes. "Did he tell you how it felt to kiss your LMD? How the knowledge that she wasn't real ate away at him? How devastated he was?"

Phil had told her some of it. One night, as they shared the leftover H aig , it came out. 

"Come on. It can't be that bad." She smiled, reclining back on her chair. She watched him. He'd grown solemn. 

"I kissed her," he finally said. 

Many things had floated through her mind at the time, but never that. She always just assumed her LMD had tried to murder him like he'd said. 

"I had no indication that she wasn't you. No hint. All the while Aida and Radcliffe had you drugged and messed with. You could've been ....dead and I would've had no idea. I'm so sorry Melinda." His eyes were teary as he finished. 

She got up and sat on his lap. Feeling his solid form  underneath hers. His hands automatically wrapped around her waist, yet he still couldn't look at her. "I don't blame you," she told him. "They messed with you just as much as they did with me."

Her hands went to his face. "Phil. Look at me." She swallowed hard. "It wasn't your fault. The past is the past. All that matters is that we're here now. Okay?"

"Okay," he quietly said in agreement.

She leaned forward and kissed him, pouring her heart into it. To show him what the real thing felt like. His hands roamed her back. Both of their bodies were warm from the drink. The heat of the night swirled around them. Shortly after, he broke away panting hard. He struggled to catch his breath. Concerned, she watched him steadily. Sometimes they got carried away and forgot. His eyes had stayed closed. All he could do was draw air into his lungs. After some  time his breathing normalized. "Sorry," he said, all too apologetic. 

"Don't be." She shook her head. 

At  first she thought she was imagining his hand in hers, but she looked down and it was there. Only it wasn't Phil, instead it was the LMDs. Warm and gentle all the same. The perfect duplicate of Phil. There was no indication that he wasn't really Phil and that was the part that killed her.

"This..." He delivered a light squeeze to her hand. "...will never be what either of us want." Only allowing them a small fraction of contact, he dropped his hold on her. 

At the beginning she wanted him gone, but over time she realized she would rather have the LMD here than not at all. If he could help then who was she to deny him? But now he wanted to take himself out of the equation. " So what...you just want to give up?" She told herself she wouldn't morn him - a decoy with a simulated personality, yet here she was. Despite every instinct to hold back, a tear broke from her lashes and rolled down her cheek. It was all too much. She pushed it away hard. All of her  pent up anger came out then. " _No_. I already went through this before. You want me to watch you die again? For what the tenth time?" 

Taken aback, his mouth opened, but nothing came out. 

Two could play at this game of his. She would give him what he wanted. The cold hard dose of reality that they both were facing. "This might not be what either of us wants but it's all we have. You can either sit here feeling sorry for yourself or you can do some good. Your choice."

With that, she sidestepped him and walked off.

_//end//_

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts? thanks for reading! :)


End file.
